On learning to love myself- still. 

I’ve been blessed in the past few days with little pockets of solitude. And I’m in a state of mind to accept it as it is rather than wander around the house, cleaning things, spacing out, stepping briefly through the highlights of other people’s lives on Instagram. The pounding sensation in my head and in my heart tells me to write, write, write. But I’ve waited until the fourth day of my epiphany-laced long weekend to actually sit down and do so. 

And here I am- in the background, the same Alanis Morissette song that I’ve played since I was 14, convincing me over and over that I would be good- whether after school, crying to myself on my bed because I didn’t fit in, or at 32, crying to myself on my bed because I didn’t fit in. Or right now- placing me back into who I am and who I am trying to be. Good. Fine. Steady. No matter what. 

And I think I’ve decided to myself- over and over and over again over the slowly blooming time lapse that is this year- that I’m sick of this bullshit- being the bullshit of not loving myself. 

Putting my body down. 

Putting my mind down. 

Telling myself that I don’t know what I’m doing. 

Telling others that I don’t know what I’m doing. 

Saying that I can’t. 

Over-committing to things that I don’t want to do. 

Shoulds in all forms. 

The anxiety that gently scratches its nails on the back of my skull, telling me that I don’t have enough, that I won’t have enough, that I’m not enough. 

Piercing the thin layer of peace that I’m sometimes able to stitch together for a few moments. 

So I’m just going to fucking do it. 

If I don’t know something, it’s ok. 

If I do know something- it’s ok. 

No more pretending that I don’t. 

No more making myself small. 

Or big. 

Or whatever size is disingenuous to who I am. 

Less believing that God takes me as seriously as I seem to take myself. 

Because I was given the gift of laughter and plenty of opportunities to use it. 

And that is not an accident. 

No more hating the curves and edges or dark or light and everything that I am or am not. 

So I guess I’m a little late to this business of setting goals or affirmations, mantras and resolutions for the new year. 

If anyone is even doing any of this anymore after what the past couple of years have been. 

Which honestly, has been more revolutionary than anything for me. 

So more joy. 

More simplicity. 

More looking into what is abundant- which is most things. 

No more acting in lack. 

More breathing. 

More being. 

More love.